Marriage in Syria

The cost of 'forever after' in Syria

Marriage in Syria can be very expensive, bearably expensive, or just about affordable.

Even 'affordable' is becoming difficult

Depending on where one stands, marriage in Syria can be either very expensive, bearably expensive, or affordable. In many cases, the word "affordable" is becoming difficult, to say the least.

To be peacefully married, with a decent life is the ultimate Syrian dream, yet pursuing this dream is a daily struggle for the majority of Syrians, especially young people with few savings to help afford the increasing expenses of getting married and having a nice wedding. Yet what is fascinating about this subject is the variety of options created. There are many ways to cover those expenses, old ways, new creative ways, though not all pleasant.

“I didn’t have a wedding.” Smiling Suha speaks about her marriage expenses; a 27-year-old lady, Suha revealed that “after three years of engagement waiting for my fiancé’s financial situation to improve, there was no other solution but to compromise; I had to give up the beautiful white dress and the dream night, well, actually I had a dress ... but just a simple 5,000 SP rented dress, a small dinner party with close family members in our house, and that was it.” And that wasn’t the only compromise. According to Suha, she didn’t have a honeymoon or any other 'Just Married' luxuries and that helped in reducing the total cost; the dinner cost 25,000 SP and with the dress and a few new clothes the total amounted to only 50,000 SP. “But I am married now! And that’s all that matters to me! We've now been married for three years, I guess the absence of a great ceremony didn’t doom us, but we saved a great deal of money; I wouldn’t be married now otherwise.”

Such compromises do not exist in most bride-to-be situations as Hani, the 34-year-old governmental employee, relays. He had to get a bank loan just to cover the wedding expenses. “She wanted it all! The fancy party, the expensive menu, and of course, the prestigious car, our wedding was perfect, everyone was pleased, but I had to live with the loan payments for the next five years!” In accordance with Syrian traditions the groom is obligated with most—if not all—the wedding expenses and is basically burdened with figuring out a way of gathering the money needed. “I was dancing with friends in my wedding party but all I was thinking about was a way out of my debts. I consider myself to be lucky because I own a small suburban house but between the furniture, the invitation cards, the dinner party, the live band, the rented car, and the jewelry I was in debt!” According to Hani the wedding had cost him approximately 600,000 SP ($12,000); the hotel reservation was $2,000 including dinner, the Limo for two days was $1,000, the band took $1,500, videotaping and photography set him back another $1,000, the gold and jewelry (bride’s gift) a further $3,500 and the rest was for the bride’s clothes, dress and make up. Hani continues, “Looking back now ... it was all a big waste of money, just to get married in style.”

These financial problems facing men are not exclusively related to the ceremony, everything is combined; from finding a house within which to establish a family to arranging every detail concerning getting started with that life. “No one can afford marriage in this country counting on his salary alone, that’s just a myth...” Ahmed says nervously. “You have to rent a house, you can’t actually own one now! Unless you were born with the golden spoon, then came the bride’s price, the Mohr … I don’t know why we still do that, but my father-in-law insisted on being paid the Mohr which was 500,000 SP made up of cash, jewelry, and my fiancé’s clothes.”

Mohr—the money that must be paid by the groom to the bride at the beginning of the marriage has mainly disappeared or become rare in Syrian society. “People are becoming rational now,” Sana’a, a lawyer, explains. “Families are realizing that this amount of money can be just symbolic, and most of the grooms now don’t pay it. They use it to get the house, or pay for the wedding and the honey moon instead.”

Another option exists to ease up the burden, an old/new trend; residing at the parents’ house after getting married. For couples who don’t mind living in the parents’ house it’s much easier to get married and start their lives together since they spare the money for renting/buying a house, and they subsequently share daily living expenses with the family. “I’ve been married for six years now with a four-year-old child,” says Saleh who lives with his wife and child in his parents’ house and thinks it’s a good deal in terms of saving money. “The wedding did cost me some money but I was fine with it since am going to be living with my family, the restaurant dinner party cost me 100,000 SP, the brides gold and clothes were about 100,000 SP, the videotaping 10,000 SP and of course the traditional wedding hype band was 25,000 SP and that was it mainly—250,000 SP.” Saleh continues “We have our own room, but we share everything with my parents and I believe this is good for both of us, my wife helps my mother in the house chores and my mother helps her with the kid.”

Eloping (khatefeh) is the new secret trend to cut off expenses. The bride and groom get married in the court without anyone knowing then escape to their house, without the ceremony or any other wedding commitments. However nowadays it’s not such a well-kept secret and usually the two families would have known about it and agreed on it beforehand. Faking the process of eloping spares both families a lot of expenses but of course they face the risk of a tainted reputation.

Those are the main options Syrian people have to get married, but of course not for all of them; Samer doesn’t really know how much it cost his family for him to get married. “My father took care of it! Bought me the house, the car, and paid for the 5-star hotel wedding party, I wasn’t involved much in details but I think it cost us somewhere between $10,000 and $15,000.” These easy yet luxurious weddings are not very common in Syrian society; wealthy families can afford it but it’s an exclusive club. Samer continues, “It never had been an actual problem for me to get married! And I know that I am lucky!”

Between getting loans, counting on family’s wealth or just settling for less; between a simple 50,000 SP and the luxurious 500,000 SP the options of starting a stable married life in Syria vary. Yet the hidden and often unspoken price that accompanies all too many ambitious couples is the piercing emotional pain following a broken-off engagement. Dia, in his mid-twenties and raised in a small town in the north of Syria, revealed that “only a few people get married for love because the parents approval is vital and the groom’s circumstances need to be right,” he calmly admitted that a certain disillusionment exists among “the boys from the countryside coming to the big cities to look for girls and failing because of the feeling of being less civilized.” After a seven-month engagement his dream was ended, leading him to conclude that “after my experience, love is not everything.” It is not difficult to see that money can have a more forceful voice than love. These obstacles and difficulties in affording marriage are increasing the rate of unmarried people from both genders in Syria, but somehow Syrian people are figuring out ways to fulfill their dream of being married even if it means exhausting all available possibilities.

First Published: 2010-09-23, by Hiba Ghanem – DAMASCUS in Middle East Online